About Books and Writing
by sboyarin
My admiration for authors, people who have written books, goes back to my childhood and runs deep in my psyche. This admiration is threefold. I grew up idolizing those authors–Anne McCaffrey, Frank Herbert, Isaac Asimov, and Michael Moorcock–who filled my youth with their imaginative worlds. At the same time I grew up in a traditional Jewish household, and from a young age I was exposed to traditional Jewish scholars, many of whom are referred to by the title of their books (e.g., The Tur for Rabbi Yaakov Ben Asher and Beyt Yossef for Rabbi Joseph Caro). Being a member of “The People of The Book” for me was understood to mean you were expected to write a book. Finally I grew up in academic household, with a father and an uncle who were prolific writers and publishers (even as my uncle struggled to find an academic position, he had no problems writing and getting published). A big part of my parents’ social world were scholars, and I was frequently introduced to them with “this is professor X, she just published a book on Y”. My decision to be an academic, specifically to go to grad. school, was, more than anything, a decision to write books, to be published (yes, I knew there were other elements to being an academic and that they were important, but this part felt like it was fulfilling a childhood dream).
Also at a young age, although not quite as early as my idolization of authors and their books, we discovered that I have a learning disability that affects my ability to write: dysgraphia http://www.ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/dysgraphia/what-is-dysgraphia. As a child this manifested itself in an inability to write legibly, and an inability to learn how to spell properly (in two different languages).
In the public Israeli school system, there was not much awareness ( at least at the time I was a student) of how to deal with this, and my parents tried to work on this on their own–this included buying my a computer at what was then a fairly young age (13, with my Bar Mitzvah money), taking me to special tutors who would try to work with me on spelling and on techniques to improve my handwriting (I spent a few weeks during a summer in Oxford working with an older gentleman, who insisted that the way to fix things was to have me use a fountain pen–by the end of it I could write my name fairly nicely, if I spent 15 minutes doing it…).
The only real accommodation I had in school in Israel, and I confess it was big, was that I got to dictate my answers to someone on the final subject exams required in high school.
Then I came to college in the U.S.– first a junior college (Vista College in Berkeley), then UC Berkeley. Both schools had facilities to deal with my disability, and I looked into it, but I did not take the required tests to get my disability officially recognized. Why? Not because I was ashamed of it, and not because I was too proud to ask for help. But for two (contradictory) reasons: part of me was unaware (or in denial) about the scope of my challenge: I thought that it was mostly an issue with spelling (and most of my assignments were typed by then). I had made into college (and at Vista I had straight As), so I did not expect Berkeley to be much different. I expected that the nature of the assistance would resemble what I had had in high school, even though I hadn’t done the tests to verify my disability.
Also I was scared that someone would say, “Oh, with this you will not be able to write at a high level, you cannot be a professor”.
If there is any lesson in this for anybody reading, it is in that aspect–don’t make the same mistake. My whole life would have been easier if I had taken the steps at that point to get my disability properly diagnosed and get the help I needed.
I got through undergrad. primarily because I spoke a lot in class and most professors gave me credit, looking beyond that obvious flaws in my writing to the kernels of good ideas there. Some were not so forgiving, and I know (even then I kind of knew, but now I really know) that from their perspective the gap between who I was in class and who I was on paper likely indicated either that I was lazy, did not care to put effort into writing, or arrogant and did not care to produce something respectful.
The first indication that I was going to have problems moving forward was when I asked a professor for a letter of recommendation for grad. school, and he said that he would have to say in the letter that my writing skills were not ready for grad school… But I got the letters of recommendation, and I got into grad school.
Then things got really hard. To be honest, I could not complete all of the final essays required at the end of the term, and I had to take “incomplete” for one out of every three courses I took. It was not hard for me to think of ideas for any paper, and even to talk about them with profs, but I could not actually carry out writing them in the allotted time. Also I was beginning to realize that writing papers (and longer scholarly texts) was just a small part of the writing an academic is expected to do. The other forms of writing–emails to profs or classmates, reading lists for exams, casual notes that might be circulated, etc–were as hard or even harder for me to carry out as written class assignments.
It became clear, although not until year three, and after some pretty biting comments from profs (again, from their perspective, I was turning in very substandard work, and, since I had done well enough to make it into Berkeley, clearly this was by choice), that I had to tell my professors about my learning disability. I explained, and they were understanding and some even very supportive.
I stuck through it, in part I told myself that every one has difficulties in grad school, and my in-class talents and other advantages (for example, coming from an academic home, being multilingual) balanced things out. I also told my self: just get through to other side (PhD, a job, grants, etc), and you will be able to pay for copyediting and everything will be solved.
I did not publish or even try to publish anything while I was a grad student. Some profs actively encouraged this (not just of me): “Grad writing should be a time for experimenting, feeling ok with not producing things for the sake of publication”; “What you publish stays with you, especially during the long process of writing a dissertation. Do you want people to come to associate you with something you published in grad school, even as you become a more mature scholar?” Many of my peers ignored this advice, but I didn’t; it made my life a bit easier (I wonder if having to face the process of submitting and getting rejected earlier would have actually helped later…).
Writing the dissertation was almost impossible, and I probably would not have been able to finish it without support, some from parents, but a lot a lot from my wife, who copyedited each section (even while working full time at her first academic post, parenting two young boys, and all that goes with it).
I also realized by that point that things will not get easier: no magic hand will produce funds for me to pay for proper copyediting for papers and books; in fact, presses are cutting back on any such services that they once had–authors are expected to handle more and more of that themselves.
Finishing my dissertation felt like a big accomplishment, but I felt as far as ever from achieving the dream of publishing a book. I also tried to be more reasonable, focusing on getting an article (or articles) published. I still have little to no success. Now I am aware that it is hard to get published early on, even in the best of circumstances, and my Dad loves to tell me how many times he has had articles rejected. But its just not the same for me. First, it takes me much longer than most people even to produce anything. Second, that little voice we all have, that “imposter syndrome” voice, rears its head each time a submission is rejected (and it is compounded by failures on the job market), whispering that since I have dysgraphia I will never be able to publish something.
It is not just about my childhood dreams, or even about the very real need to get published to advance my career; it is very much about the need to be a part of the academic community, to express my thoughts in writing, to have people cite them, argue with them, review them.
This is part of why I have really taken to Twitter–it has given me a measure of this feeling, communicating with others, in my field and not, sharing discoveries answering questions, etc.
We live in a time of change in terms of academic writing (among other things)–blogs for example offer a chance for academics to augment more traditional forms of academic writing. Last year, I figured that a blog might offer me a bit of a solution to a growing crisis over my inability to get published. I told myself that I would allow myself not to care about typos, formatting, etc That it would give me an outlet for expressing my ideas, and that perhaps I could use the blog as a stepping stone to producing writing that I could then edit and turn into more traditional academic writing.
But I have realized a few things. Even if I don’t care how things look from an ego standpoint, I can’t put stuff out there that looks bad, or people will just have the same reaction my profs in grad school had–its lazy scholarship done by someone who does not care to put the work in (and here some of the prejudices against blogging that some have might reinforce this). This impression might be confirmed in a reader’s mind if they checked the list of my publications (or the lack thereof).
Which brings us to this post: I had to write it to explain (to myself) why I need to try to blog (even though it might seem that I should be spending my time producing more traditional academic writing), why my blogs may not look as good as they do in my head, why they may appear in fits and starts, etc.
Also, I wanted to say that I am so happy about the other parts of academic work–particularly teaching–and I can’t imagine myself doing anything else.
As soon as I can afford it, I plan to experiment with voice transcribing software which may be a way to meliorate some of the issues of dysgraphia.
(Even this post, which is intended to express something I feel is very important is very different in writing from how it appears in my head–but if I try to get it to be closer to that, I don’t think it will ever be written).
Good for keeping on. Your perspective matters, perhaps precisely because you work with texts and don’t have the usually assumed facility in text-oriented expression.
Dragon seems still to be the leading voice-driven application. When I tried it during grad school (I have bad joints that have hindered typing at times—though I don’t have carpal tunnel per se), I found that I had to spell or force an override for many common-to-me scholarly words. It’s of use and definitely worth pursuing, but one needs to feel comfortable with a different set of tradeoffs. (For me, after spelling “historiographical” for the fifteenth time, I began mixing speaking and typing; eventually I resumed typing only.)
I also tried Dragon in Grad school (my mother in law bought it for me)- but I could not use it for the reason you mention.
I have been getting emails from them ever since that the software is much improved, and in general since voice to text seems to have gotten much better, I am hopping to try it again with better results.
Even if it just helps with the administrative aspects of academia- emails, lists and such it would be a huge help.
I have learned some things from this….great post!
The more you write the easier it is to think on paper. Don’t give up. Happy Friday
Reblogged this on tammy1932.
It never comes out the same on paper for me. But I’ve come to learn that this is part of my process. Think it. Write it down. Re-think it. Write it down again. And so on. I suppose it is different writing fiction as opposed to non-fiction. Our methods of creating are as individual as fingerprints.
Your story inspires me.
Reblogged this on ujbhurtah.
I can relate to everything in this blog. My dream to write stresses me out more than any life experience. For me it is about sharing my life experience with the world in hopes that someone can relate as well as giving someone hope, knowing what they are going through will not be for ever. I too have a learning disability, it wasn’t until I was in my mid thirties that I got diagnosed with learning disability. The reason I had to be diagnosed was because I was struggling through college. Over the years I have learned to adapt. It’s is still difficult but like you I am thinking of starting blogging, then see where that goes.
Reblogged this on peggieluash and commented:
i share a few sentiments
good work–keep writing!
Amazingly put. Most people are afraid to tell people if they have certain disabilities. You have gotten this far and you shouldn’t doubt yourself. I hope you find something to help you transcribe your ideas. You could always have someone type while you talk. I have done that for my husband before when he was working on his papers. Good luck to you! Excellent post!
Reblogged this on M.T. Miles.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Great advice!
You really get to learn something new everyday…my work as a transcriptionist makes me understand finally certain difficulties/limitations encountered by a special group of people. Thank you for sharing!
I like it
keep writing !
Thank you for this informative, transformational story. As a writer/editor my whole life, I found it sad and frightening when my son was diagnosed with dyslexia at an early age. All I could think about was all the beautiful poetry and songs and stories that I would write that he would never see–that he could never read. I am proud to say he persevered as you did and learned to read. Now he reads to his daughter, who also reads to him. The biggest problem is that these conditions are not understood. They called my son “stupid” in school, including a Special Education teacher! Congratulations on your accomplishments and my heartfelt wishes for the struggles you must deal face daily. I am humbled by your words.
Reblogged this on jvstb's Blog and commented:
I wish to be among this persons admirations
You’re an inspiration and I am humbled. You remind me of a writer friend who is blind but found redemption through technology. Amazingly, he could read and write through his Macbook. Edits his own papers too!
Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.
.Thanks for writing your insightful story. I am touch. You would finally admit, I cannot do this without help, and receive help from others. It is hard to do especially with a person full of pride like I am. Second thing is that you in many ways overcame your difficulties to reach to the dream, the reality of your life, which I believe so many lives cannot or too press down to do. I admire what you did and doing. Please continue. I am struggling with my own emotions and reality. I do not know how to balance them. I do not know how to control them. As I learned from you, we cannot ‘control’ such. What we could do is work harder, look within yourself and accept who you are, believe and give it strength, matters will solve themselves.
Thank you for sharing, my son has this vision problem , RP from birth. Others used to write for him in school , but later on he started using the computer. He has this software called JAWS, which speaks out everything, so he is independent for his reading and writing. He is doing his PhD in English Literature.
Thank you for posting this!
Reblogged this on I'mpossible Hope-r and commented:
☆
Very informative
An inspiring story. Best wishes for your continued success.
Keep writing!!
Reblogged this on Coy Skeleton Cowboy.
Reblogged this on smeclclibrarians and commented:
“Of the Making of Books there is no end…” (Ecc 12:12)
Reblogged this on Ivy.
I would like to write, but do not have the time. I used to keep a journal while I was in the military. I lost the journal, however, I have not lost the memories.
Reblogged this on friendlydeatheater.
It is the hardships we go through that teaches us the lessons we need to learn. Everything we go through is there for a reason. Some people never learn that and keep repeating it lifetime after lifetime.
I love to write although the only thing I’ve ” published ” has been my blog because I finally found something important enough that had to be written. You are already successful because you are doing something that is a passion to you.
Reblogged this on wegotperks.
Reblogged this on Yellow El Camino and commented:
He had me as soon as he mentioned idolising Asimov, Herbert and McCaffrey. I didn’t expect what came next.
I was hurt in a car accident and went through the struggle between accepting, and admitting I had a disability; and my fear of being defined by it. I couldn’t have written about it so eloquently though.
Inspiring…
I wish you all the success! This article was truly inspirational for me and I am now going to follow you. I am a new writer and am in the point where I just want to enjoy writing. I look forward to hearing that you have become a successful author!
Great story!
[…] Short disclaimer: as you read through this blog post you will encounter typos, misspellings, and grammatical errors- there is a reason for this, which I explain in a previous post here: About Books and Writing. […]